With International friendship day today (30 July 2024) and students preparing themselves to return to university, it’s important to recognise any signs that a friend may be struggling. Nido’s Wellbeing Partner, Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo highlights five behavioural signs to watch out for, alongside advice to share with students to allow them to offer support to other students and their friends.
With concerns about loneliness, being away from home, rising costs, and the strains of studying, this advice is critical.
Five signs to watch out for
1. Being more snappy than usual. This may indicate possible overwhelm. You may observe them taking on more and more yet struggling to keep up.
2. Cancelling plans or avoiding making plans. This is a particular concern if it is out of character for them.
3. Talking about themselves more harshly than usual. This can include being critical, and putting themselves down. This may relate to criticising their appearance or abilities, such as performance on exams or feeling inadequate or even stupid.
4. Any changes in their social media habits could be a red flag. For example, they may be posting more or less than usual, and the content posted might have changed. Perhaps they have started writing worrying content or are being overly critical and out of character. Or perhaps they have suddenly stopped posting after being a regular content creator.
5. Finally, if there is an increase in alcohol or substance use, this may signal that they are using it as a means to cope. A particular sign could include alcohol use that is different than usual – such as drinking alone or at different times of the day.
“Being aware of the tell-tale signs of struggle means you will be more alert to them. For students being away from home, often for the first time and many overseas, friendships are crucial. So, on this International Day of Friendship, know the warning signs, recognise them in your university chums, and try to find a way to broach the conversation no matter how hard it may seem – remember why you are doing it in the first place and that it comes from a position of welfare and concern.”
Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo, Wellbeing Partner, Nido
Ways to approach a student/friend you’re concerned about
- Normalise having conversations about emotional health and wellbeing – we all go through struggles even if it is not obvious on the outside and we are all reactive to what’s going on around us.
- If it feels hard approaching the subject, remember why you are doing it – from a position of welfare/concern.
- Choose carefully when you will speak to them – try and choose a time when you can have some space to talk – not on the go or when distracted or if there are other people around that might mean the person won’t respond as they would like.
- If you are worried about urgency and you are on the go, ask them if they would like to make time to talk.
- Start simple. You don’t have to overthink what to say – just start with ‘how are you doing?’
- Show them you are listening and HEAR what they say (even if it is hard).
- Sit with them, lean in a little, show them you want to hear them.
- Validate their experiences by using phrases such as ‘it sounds like you are having a difficult time’ or ‘feeling anxious must be difficult’, or ‘I can see why that is making you worried/sad’, (even if you don’t agree with or see it from their perspective).
- Don’t minimise their experiences or try to rescue or problem solve too quickly eg ‘don’t worry about that’, ‘that’s nothing to be sad about’ or ‘I think you should do x or y’ before giving them a chance to talk.
- Encourage them to talk to a tutor, their doctor, a trusted lecturer, or family if appropriate.
- Offer to help them talk to someone if they don’t feel they can do this alone. You may need to step outside of the friendship and inform someone if you are concerned.
- Ask them what they would like to happen/support they think they need.
- Check in with them when you can: ‘do you need anything?’.
- Spend time with them – watch a film, have a coffee or go for a walk.
- Don’t compare your own experiences with theirs ‘I know how you feel’ – because you don’t, and it downplays their feelings.
- Encourage them to get professional help.
